Why spark fades away after Marriage ?

  

Apart from the dictionary meaning, what comes to your mind when I say marriage? Is it the state of being happy, sense of contentment, sense of fulfillment, or is it the other way round -feeling a sense of responsibility, sense of being caged or is it just an institution of blame- game?

According to Fawn Weaver, “Marriage is the virtuous exploration of love in its purest form and pleasure in its highest state”. Is it so? Let’s be realistic. The hope to have happy and fulfilling married life is the deepest desire. Countless married couples have complained that ‘love or spark fades away with time’. After a few exciting years of marriage, a wave of "dullness" or "boredom" can submerge the relationship and has even lead many couples to look for excitement elsewhere. Nearly 30-60% of couples in United States have experienced a shift in their affections to start an affair. What prompts the shift from their heart racing enthusiasm for another person to boredom and detachment?

One of the basic eroding elements in marriage is "blame- shifting" or blame game. This is something we have been doing since the Garden of Eden. Even Adam and Eve entered this endless loop where Adam blames Eve and she blames the serpent and this list goes on and on. Nobody stops this loop by saying the most powerful words, "yes I did wrong" or "yes I admit. I hurt you". Blaming the other partner for the act you did can serve no good purpose to your relationship. This not so funny game will slowly erode the integrity of the bond and will establish the irretrievable breakdown of marriage. This is basically a manipulative tactic done by abuser to victimize themselves by saying:

"I slapped you because you have brought me to that level".

"I cheat on you because you were always so busy in household chores".

"I have an affair because you have stopped giving me any attention".

This blame- shifting is an abusive act mainly done by people who are escapists and lack emotional maturity to own up to their wrong behavior. It is a coping mechanics for them as they unconsciously put blame on others without apprehending faulty logic. Ceaselessly being around someone who fears to take responsibility for their actions takes a toll on your emotional and psychological well-being. They start gas-lighting you for something you have not done just to save them from being humiliated. Thus, this addictive play leaves the other person in the zone of despair as he (or she) blames himself for the failure in relationship.

Secondly, I feel "taken for granted" is another important factor that leads to downfall in marriages. I believe its human nature to feel excited, wonderful, unique, passionate and special for things which he aspires to have but after acquiring them he loses his interest. This is even applicable when it comes to relationships. Nothing in this world can match to the feeling of being loved, valued, acknowledged and appreciated. In any new budding relationships or marriages there is abundance of praises, excitement and affection. We try to give our best without expecting much in return from other person. We go out of our ways to do things to make each other happy and to 'win' each other's approval and to get married. After few years of marriage or after the point your 'honeymoon period' is over, things start to deteriorate as we have no sense of being insecure or loosing each other and take marriage as a lifelong commitment. Further, overtime, the extra gestures to show affection, appreciation, and acknowledgment starts falling by the wayside.

It is not enough to rely on 'marriage licence' to hold relationships tight. It is a very fragile bond which needs to be nurtured and one needs to make life long endeavors to light the never ending spark of love in marriage. One needs to prioritize because neither people nor relationships can be 'put on hold'. When you take your spouse for granted, you are at continuous risk to lose the emotional connectivity and by the time you wish to devote your time, your spouse no longer needs that. So, to have a healthy marriage, never stop to act like a teenager. Constant expression of love and admiration acts like a mortar in building the foundation of marriage firm and lifelong.

Marriage has multiple facets and is nothing like what we call "happily ever after". It is no more the world of two people who are enjoying the bliss of being in a Utopian world. It doesn't rests on one partner's shoulders, rather there is need to maintain a balance in relationship when it comes to sharing responsibilities. Marriage should not comply with patriarchal norms. Time has surely changed and the clear demarcation of works based on "gender" is probably over. The distinction of work should be done on the basis of preferences and strengths of a person rather than on 'gender'. It's not important anymore who is doing what as far as mutual respect for each other is there. If the couple truly wants to spend time with one another, they must work out together to buy time for themselves. If any couple fails to maintain that balance their marriage will surely come to an unexpected end.

It is extremely common for the married couples to get irritated by each other's habit. For instance, you might not like the tea prepared by your wife. Or you might not like something your husband has done. If these habits irritate you, the first thing which you need to imbibe is not to complain and rather appreciate the efforts put in by the other half. However, unnecessary criticism will only rot your relationship. As I have mentioned before, the key to successful marriage is to distribute the responsibilities evenly based on the level of interests and preferences.

The key to happy marriage is to engage in the process of self evaluation. One should be willing to change one's perception over what is important and what aspects in marriage needs to be declined over time. Specific aspects in relationship which tend to be more positive in the beginning don't evoke the same kind of feeling once the relationship is old. So giving more value to each other's positives and ignoring the negatives (i.e. faults) is the key to sustain a happy and healthy marriage. You need to have an optimistic attitude towards family issues. For instance, today your wife talked rudely to you, so instead of taking that as misbehavior, try to think that she might had a bad day in office. Surely, this attitude will not have any global implication on your marriage. Lastly, learn to be empathetic, loving, understanding and loving towards your spouse and family and be a proactive individual who is accountable for his actions.

Dr. Ranbir Kaur

22nd March, 2022