Secret to a Compassionate Relationship

 Secret to a Compassionate Relationship

Relationships stand on the pillars of friendship, care, compatibility, respect, understanding and above all ‘love’. Love acts like a glue which keeps the relationship strong and everlasting. True love doesn’t happen overnight; rather it needs persistence and construction. Having butterflies in your stomach and feeling anxious when you meet someone for the first time is not what true love is all about.  My question is why those butterflies stop fluttering once your relationship gets old? Why over a period of time, it becomes so tough to focus on just one person with that same high anxiety? Why things that were once so imperative become so casual?

Just think of your grandparents whose relationship have endured years and years of togetherness and whose bond inspires an awe for the care, commitment and respect they have for each other. Creating a caring and everlasting loving relationship is not as easy as it appears in the beginning of a relationship when everything looks exquisite and charming. Most people get married with a positive feeling of sharing a life together, but in reality, 40-50% end up in divorce. Famous relationship advisor Chris Armstrong says: "Things go blasé and what was once an unpredictable stroll is now an expected lull." The same relationship which once used to give them a sense of completeness has turned out to be something burdensome.

The question is how do two people maintain a happy relationship? What are the secrets to a successful marriage? The answer may vary because every relationship is different. Here are some of the most important advices that are definitely worth considering:

1.      Communication: Communication is one of the most vital skills to have in any relationship as it acts like a catalyst in knowing the person better. What I personally feel is that communication is neither about those deep and profound conversations nor about talking and sharing your whole day’s experience; it is more about ‘connecting’ while communicating. Remember- in relationships its always little things or gestures that make a huge difference. One of the traits of a compassionate relationship is that – ‘value fights over silences’. Silences are not welcomed in any relationships and can be utterly destructive when it comes to resolving issues. Try to imbibe the skill to reach each other before the things go out of control. Don’t assume things on your own and try to listen to what your partner says because communication is not just about talking. Honest communication helps the relationship to grow and evolving is crucial to make the relationship satisfying and long lasting.

2.      Gratitude: A great way to develop intimacy in a relationship is through constructive gratitude. It can act as an antidote to broken relationship. We as humans are more inclined towards critiquing for something done wrong and this trait can act as venom in ruining the relationship. Learn to appreciate as it can flourish and strengthen the relationship by promoting cycles of munificence. In my opinion it is not simply about thanking your partner for what they do for you, rather it is more about appreciating your partner for what he/she is as a person. Every relationship is different, so consider the personality of your partner and go for the best ways to express your gratitude. It can be a sweet note of thanks kept somewhere in the kitchen or a warm hug at the end of the day. So, stop taking things for granted and try appreciating your partner for their being around you in all ups and downs and see what wonders it can do facilitating a positive loop in strengthening your relationship.

3.   Phubbing: This is one of the most recurrent post- modern glitch in healthy relationships. It is basically a practice of disregarding others and giving more importance to our mobile phones. It involves constant pulling out phone, scrolling through messages, checking social media updates- in short being more engaged in what is happening inside that glass box and not in person sitting next to you. We all are being there intentionally or unintentionally, as either a victim or a perpetrator. We are so much addicted to mobile phones that we even don’t realise what profound harm we are doing to our relationships. Ironically, we are more focused on maintaining virtual relationships with people who are strangers to us through social media by disconnecting ourselves from people who are genuinely connected to us. This kind of obsessive behaviour towards cell phone facilitates relationship dissatisfaction which further initiates an emotional distance between the romantic partners. It is seen that even the presence of cell phone during the conversation (on the dinner table) negatively affects the quality of conversation, sense of intimacy and feeling of connection. So, in order to maintain a cordial relationship one should be mature enough to maintain the balance between the two worlds.

4.     Trust: Trust is the foundation for a happy and fulfilling romantic bond. Be open and honest with your partner and that will further generate trust and a sense of security both physically and emotionally within them. I read a novel which talked about relationships a few ago and the premise was basically that we understand a person by parts of them we can see. So, “most relationships aren’t actually between two people, but rather between two masks. But for authentic relationship, you need to look behind the masks. The longer you think you’ve known someone, the harder that is to do, because your preconceived ideas about a person become a part of mask you see”.

‘Trust’ in simple words is feeling safe when vulnerable. If you can’t trust a person then there is no point of being in that relationship. No matter how hard you try to maintain that relationship, it won’t last. You can’t trust a person if you constantly live in a fear that your partner will betray you and as a result you restrain from letting yourself open to your partner. Fear and trust can’t co-exist. Trusting a person means that one is confident enough to open up completely without the fear of being misjudged or rejected. Trust can’t be build overnight; it’s daily commitment and develops slowly and gradually.

Following are the points that help in building trust in any relationship

(a)    Your words and action should correspond,

(b)    keep private conversations private,

(c)    Be there for your partner both physically and emotionally,

(d)   Be sensitive to their problems,

(e)    Show genuine care and concern and

(f)    Stick to your commitments.

  I personally feel it is the consistency in action that builds a trust in a relationship. To build trust in a relationship, Bonior advocates “say what you mean and mean what you say”. Trust acts like a cement which binds two people in relationship by permitting them to live safely in society.

In nutshell, give more importance to little things to make your relationship beautiful and long lasting because its a well known saying "little things makes a big difference" and this very well fits when it comes to relationships.

Dr. Ranbir Kaur
22 February, 2020