Secret to a Compassionate Relationship

 Secret to a Compassionate Relationship

Relationships stand on the pillars of friendship, care, compatibility, respect, understanding and above all ‘love’. Love acts like a glue which keeps the relationship strong and everlasting. True love doesn’t happen overnight; rather it needs persistence and construction. Having butterflies in your stomach and feeling anxious when you meet someone for the first time is not what true love is all about.  My question is why those butterflies stop fluttering once your relationship gets old? Why over a period of time, it becomes so tough to focus on just one person with that same high anxiety? Why things that were once so imperative become so casual?

Just think of your grandparents whose relationship have endured years and years of togetherness and whose bond inspires an awe for the care, commitment and respect they have for each other. Creating a caring and everlasting loving relationship is not as easy as it appears in the beginning of a relationship when everything looks exquisite and charming. Most people get married with a positive feeling of sharing a life together, but in reality, 40-50% end up in divorce. Famous relationship advisor Chris Armstrong says: "Things go blasé and what was once an unpredictable stroll is now an expected lull." The same relationship which once used to give them a sense of completeness has turned out to be something burdensome.

The question is how do two people maintain a happy relationship? What are the secrets to a successful marriage? The answer may vary because every relationship is different. Here are some of the most important advices that are definitely worth considering:

1.      Communication: Communication is one of the most vital skills to have in any relationship as it acts like a catalyst in knowing the person better. What I personally feel is that communication is neither about those deep and profound conversations nor about talking and sharing your whole day’s experience; it is more about ‘connecting’ while communicating. Remember- in relationships its always little things or gestures that make a huge difference. One of the traits of a compassionate relationship is that – ‘value fights over silences’. Silences are not welcomed in any relationships and can be utterly destructive when it comes to resolving issues. Try to imbibe the skill to reach each other before the things go out of control. Don’t assume things on your own and try to listen to what your partner says because communication is not just about talking. Honest communication helps the relationship to grow and evolving is crucial to make the relationship satisfying and long lasting.

2.      Gratitude: A great way to develop intimacy in a relationship is through constructive gratitude. It can act as an antidote to broken relationship. We as humans are more inclined towards critiquing for something done wrong and this trait can act as venom in ruining the relationship. Learn to appreciate as it can flourish and strengthen the relationship by promoting cycles of munificence. In my opinion it is not simply about thanking your partner for what they do for you, rather it is more about appreciating your partner for what he/she is as a person. Every relationship is different, so consider the personality of your partner and go for the best ways to express your gratitude. It can be a sweet note of thanks kept somewhere in the kitchen or a warm hug at the end of the day. So, stop taking things for granted and try appreciating your partner for their being around you in all ups and downs and see what wonders it can do facilitating a positive loop in strengthening your relationship.

3.   Phubbing: This is one of the most recurrent post- modern glitch in healthy relationships. It is basically a practice of disregarding others and giving more importance to our mobile phones. It involves constant pulling out phone, scrolling through messages, checking social media updates- in short being more engaged in what is happening inside that glass box and not in person sitting next to you. We all are being there intentionally or unintentionally, as either a victim or a perpetrator. We are so much addicted to mobile phones that we even don’t realise what profound harm we are doing to our relationships. Ironically, we are more focused on maintaining virtual relationships with people who are strangers to us through social media by disconnecting ourselves from people who are genuinely connected to us. This kind of obsessive behaviour towards cell phone facilitates relationship dissatisfaction which further initiates an emotional distance between the romantic partners. It is seen that even the presence of cell phone during the conversation (on the dinner table) negatively affects the quality of conversation, sense of intimacy and feeling of connection. So, in order to maintain a cordial relationship one should be mature enough to maintain the balance between the two worlds.

4.     Trust: Trust is the foundation for a happy and fulfilling romantic bond. Be open and honest with your partner and that will further generate trust and a sense of security both physically and emotionally within them. I read a novel which talked about relationships a few ago and the premise was basically that we understand a person by parts of them we can see. So, “most relationships aren’t actually between two people, but rather between two masks. But for authentic relationship, you need to look behind the masks. The longer you think you’ve known someone, the harder that is to do, because your preconceived ideas about a person become a part of mask you see”.

‘Trust’ in simple words is feeling safe when vulnerable. If you can’t trust a person then there is no point of being in that relationship. No matter how hard you try to maintain that relationship, it won’t last. You can’t trust a person if you constantly live in a fear that your partner will betray you and as a result you restrain from letting yourself open to your partner. Fear and trust can’t co-exist. Trusting a person means that one is confident enough to open up completely without the fear of being misjudged or rejected. Trust can’t be build overnight; it’s daily commitment and develops slowly and gradually.

Following are the points that help in building trust in any relationship

(a)    Your words and action should correspond,

(b)    keep private conversations private,

(c)    Be there for your partner both physically and emotionally,

(d)   Be sensitive to their problems,

(e)    Show genuine care and concern and

(f)    Stick to your commitments.

  I personally feel it is the consistency in action that builds a trust in a relationship. To build trust in a relationship, Bonior advocates “say what you mean and mean what you say”. Trust acts like a cement which binds two people in relationship by permitting them to live safely in society.

In nutshell, give more importance to little things to make your relationship beautiful and long lasting because its a well known saying "little things makes a big difference" and this very well fits when it comes to relationships.

Dr. Ranbir Kaur
22 February, 2020

Is it important to celebrate Valentine’s Day?

Is it important to celebrate Valentine’s Day?

On 14^th  Februrary, the aroma of love and passion will fill the air, as this day is celebrated as Valentine’s Day . The week leading to this day is filled with list of reminders making people conscious of their relationship status. This special day creates an aura of deep intimacy in their relationships as people prefer to speak the ‘language of love’.

The people who are single, this day turn out to be a day which reminds them of their loneliness which further fills their heart with a sense of being dejected. For those in relationship have created a mountain of anxiety as they have lofty of expectations from their partners. They vigorously wait for grand gestures, special dinners, surprise gifts and romantic locales coming from their valentine.

My question is: do we really need special days to declare or publicize our love? Shouldn’t we love each other every day? I once asked my friend-what she feels about Valentine’s Day. She said for her celebrating love once a year is not something that grabs her attention and interest anymore. She feels love is more about how your man makes you feel throughout the year. It’s more about how much loving, caring, understanding and considerate he is throughout the year. Making someone your queen for one day and taking all her efforts to make your house a cosy home for granted is not what love advertises.

For many this is a day of ‘love’ but I feel it is more about “appreciating” someone who has sacrificed allot to be in your life. Expressing appreciation demonstrates mutual respect and value because it shows that you do acknowledge the efforts that one has put to make relationship beautiful and stronger. To maintain that eternal sweetness in your relationship, it is important to make other person know his/her value in your life.

 In a Utopian relationship, you bring out best in your partner which further makes your relationship stronger with time. If you have been together for a long time, we start taking each other for granted. With the passage of time we often start finding our relationship monotonous and unexciting. We don’t feel the need to say” i love you” daily but that doesn’t mean that their love is fading with time. The words ‘I love you’ are often substituted with emotive words like ‘message me once you reach office, did you have your food, drive carefully, come home soon etc. which hold a sea of affection and concern within it. The only thing that is making relationships humdrum is ‘lack of time and initiative’ for each other. There is a dire need of initiatives to make your partner feel appreciated and loved. 

We humans are professionals who are slaves of daily routines. It is Valentine’s Day that helps the couples to come out of their monotonous lives of waking up, going to office, and coming back tired, having food and then going back to sleep. Time flies too fast, and before we realise that weeks have blurred into months, it’s an end of whole year. We do know the value of life and the need to embrace people who are dear to us. Sometimes we just become so casual with things that we need some kind of push or opportunity to keep life spirited and vivacious. Valentine’s Day is a special day of making your special person feels ‘Special’. It helps you to rejuvenate your relationship by saying things which are often left unspoken, doing things which are left undone and enlightening your bond with a spark of novelty and freshness again.

What I personally feel is that Valentine’s Day may not be special for people who make their partners feel loved every single day. They are the ones who don’t need occasions to give surprises to their love. For them every day is Valentine’s Day. I would prefer he gets me flowers on any day when he thought of me with love, rather than waiting for Valentine’s Day when he may not feel like giving me. Love must be celebrated daily and any gesture that is done out of emotions is always valued than doing things on so called ‘special days’ out of pressure.

As a modern woman, I personally don’t feel that it’s exclusively on men’s shoulders to be the catalyst for romance. Even women can make their men feel special; after all we talk about ‘Equality’.

The bottom line is, sometimes we do need reasons to come out of our daily routines and reimburse more into each other. One should feel privileged to have someone in life who not only makes your life more beautiful but makes you a ‘beautiful person’. Days shouldn’t matter if you believe in love and there can be nothing more beautiful than celebrating love. So guys, take out time to express your love and gratitude to that ‘special’ person of your life who is unconditionally there for you.

Dedicated to my husband

 Dr. Ranbir Kaur
13 Feburary, 2020