Is a person’s gender inevitably chained to their position as a parent?

  Is a person’s gender inevitably  chained to their position as a parent?

The word ‘Mother’ is the most precious and meaningful word in the dictionary and its deep meaning makes it more special and divine.

I once asked my mother - who is mother? I still remember her words, she said “God couldn’t be everywhere to look after his children, so he made mother”. Her words very well explained the importance of mother even in God’s eye. God is omnipresent and omnipotent, yet where his power is undermined, the work of God is done by a mother. I believe God made mothers to make the world a better place to live.

Traditional meaning of mother is someone who gives you birth, feeds you, cares about you and so on and on.. but I believe being a mother is an emotion, a feeling that anyone irrespective of gender can have. 

 

Now the question is - if being a mother is a feeling than why person’s gender inevitably chained to their position as a parent? 

Our patriarchal society has stereotypes everything and parenting is no exception. I believe these stereotypes especially negative stereotypes contribute to a dysfunctional class system. Statics have proved when a child is born, it’s the women who has to leave her job if have no help at home. Since ages women play the role of primary caregivers and the responsibility of a child is titled more towards the mother. A newborn has no expertise to distinguish parent’s love. For him if he has seen an absent mother and a warm father doing all the motherly responsibilities, the father becomes an epitome to love and care. Child needs unconditional love no matter from where it comes. 

Do you really feel that women are inbred with some superpowers that prepares her for motherhood. I am of the opinion that mothers are not biologically more compassionate and kindhearted than fathers. They aren’t inherently equipped with modus operandi of child- rearing. I still remember my sister saying when her first child was born that “I still don’t feel any special  so called motherly feeling” and now she can’t live a day without them. This purely manifests that just bringing a child out of your body doesn’t make a woman a mother. I have many friends too who have confessed bluntly that they were not prepared for motherhood and the transition to motherhood took time and now they are confident mothers. You need to have a sense of care, compassion, sacrifices, tenderness, empathy and sensitivity. In my view, these are human traits not gender traits. To be true, I see these traits more in my husband than in me. I could remember my father walking into my room during night times to see whether we have blankets over us or not? 

Delivering a baby is taxing both physically and mentally. There is no doubt that giving birth to a life which was once inside you is the most blissful feelings of the world but it leaves a woman with irreversible physical and emotional changes. She struggles with negative feelings about her post- pregnancy body image which even hampers her self confidence. She experiences noticeable hair loss, body aches, stretch marks, breast change, heavier periods, bulging stomach, melasma, back pain, memory-loss, depression and even doesn’t share the same bond with her partner. Science has confirmed that you are a different person after giving birth. This much sacrifice was not enough that society started fawning over women as some kind of nurturing goddess. 

Child care should not be a ‘job’ but a ‘calling’ and this calling should be gender -free. We have been told these things from the beginning of time that adjectives like tender, selflessness, love, care are uniquely ingrained in women. This notion prevents kids from seeing men and fathers as tender nurturers. It even denies fathers the depth of emotional bonding with the child. This further creates a new school of thought which glamorizes “good mother” and disparages so called “bad mothers” (the one who don’t possess maternal instinct). 

Men are not biological blessed to experience the miracle taking place in woman’s body but they can surely remunerate that by building a special bond with the miracle walking around them. Raising a healthy human is not an easy and one person's job so its important to give your child a loving and safe environment to bloom beautifully. 

In nutshell, I believe child needs unconditional love and care and mother has no gender. Its just an image that stands as an epitome of unfiltered love from deep recesses of soul. To become a mother, you need not give birth to a child biologically. If that was the case then there wouldn’t be any thing like adoption and surrogacy. A child can be lucky enough to have two mothers. So, for the better emotional and physical development of child it is important to nurture the child together by sharing all responsibilities equally be it taking care of child or the home chores. It will surely create a healthy environment around the child which makes him confident and emotionally strong. I would love to end with a rhyme which we teach our kids but the home will a better place to live if we adults too comply with it…

  Sharing makes us all happy

  Sharing is caring and sharing is fun.

  We can all share together

   Be kind to everyone.

  Dr. Ranbir Kaur

  4th October, 2023

Hope as an Anchor of the Soul

According to Greek mythology, the first woman on earth was ‘Pandora’ (meaning ‘all gifted’). She was bestowed with many gifts including beauty, charm and intellect. Her story reflects how all the evils were released into the world and reminds everyone about how essential hope is. On the eve of marriage with Epimetheus, Pandora was gifted with a box from Zeus which contained all the evil traits. She was even warned that for her marriage to remain happy one, she should never open and look inside the box. Eventually, out of curiosity she lifted up the corner of the box to peak inside and through the narrow gap rushed all the evils including sickness, envy, greed, disease, suffering, death and many other unspecified evils. Pandora slammed the lid of the box back down and 'hope' was the last thing remaining inside the box. Ever since, human race have been able to stick around this hope in order to endure the malice that Pandora had let out.

Hope holds a profound place in human's life even today. In the present times, out of all the notions, hope is plausibly closest to trust. Hope doesn't works on certainty. In the most hopeless situation, we have the trust to see the possibility of something positive to happen and that something is not anything specific. It then instills in you the faith that if you work hard, things will surely give a positive outcome. For example: 

1.     If you aspire to have a great future, you place trust in yourself being capable of making right choices to achieve that.

2. When you jump from an aircraft, you have trust in parachute that will help you to land safely on land.

3. When you throw a baby in air, he smiles because of the trust he has that you will catch him.

4. We become conscious of our diet, exercise regularly with the hope that we will live longer.

5. It is hope which makes a man do hard-work all day and night and then to believe in saving money for his safe future, a future which is most uncertain.

Life is always unpredictable and is full of surprises without any intimation beforehand. In the most pensive state of affairs, Hope acts as a healer for our soul. It can be taken as God's blessing as it bestows positivity by whispering "Things will get better and nothing stays forever, not even bad days". Hope behaves like a guiding spirit in our lives as it gives you the power to make right decisions for better future.

When you feel frustrated and defeated, your brain stops to work logically. You spend days and days trying to figure out the God's reason behind it. Fear, solitude, sadness, helplessness and doubt are all that follows you. You repetitively question ourselves "why this happened to me" and in the end all our questions are left unanswered. You find yourself sinking deep and deep inside without any logic resolution. It's hard to be stay in that phase of uncertainty and despair for a longer period of time. In this time of despair, you need something solid to cling on that could liberate you from the shackles of negativity and brings you back to the surface where you can have a breath of positivity. Now the question is, whom can you hold on to?

If we try to find answer in the spiritual world, we will find out that all religions provide ray of hope for their followers. Humanity has evolved to the present stage just by counting on hope despite the dictum "survival of the fittest". In Sikh religion, the term used for hope is 'aas' and in the times of distress people pray to God with the hope that things will soon amend. Guru Arjan Devi Ji, Fifth Guru of the Sikhs reaffirms the teaching of Guru Nanak Dev Ji, the founder of Sikh religion. The message for the followers is to have undying trust in the grace of God who is omnipotent and has solutions to all the problems of his devotees.

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•        ਉ ਤਿਰ ਜਾਇ ਤੇਰੇ ਮਨ ਕੀ ਿਪਆਸ ॥ ਪੂਰਨ ਹੋਵੈ ਸਗਲੀ ਆਸ ॥ [SGGS, M.5, p.179]

     Uṯar jā▫e ṯere man kī pi▫ās. Pūran hovai saglī ās.

    The thirst of your mind shall be satisfied, and all hopes shall be fulfilled.

•    ਹਿਰ ਸੰਿਗ ਰਾਤੇ ਪੂਰਨ ਆਸ ॥ ੨॥ [SGGS, M.5, p.201]

     Har sang rāṯe pūran ās. ||2||

    One, who is attuned to the god almighty, sees all his hopes fulfilled. ||2||

In Christianity, there are so many references of 'hope' in the Bible. In difficult times, it is hard to see or think beyond what is happening at that time in your life and expect to see light at the end of the tunnel. Whether you're having any health issues, hard time for the family or lost someone dear to you, an optimistic frame of mind can help you see a difficult challenge as an opportunity of gratitude. You need to find your own silver lining in every hard situation. Some of the verses on 'hope' in the Bible are:

Jeremiah 29:11: " For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Proverbs 23:18: "There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off." 

Romans 12:12: "Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, and faithful in prayer." 

Romans 15:13: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

"Psalm 147:11:"The Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love."

It is well known proverb by Thomas Fuller “Great hopes make great men”. Life is neither a bed of roses nor it is unending series of hardships. Life is a struggle which can surprise you anytime and it's the gift of 'hope' that helps a man to realize his real potential. If you have an optimistic outlook, hope acts as a companion who never leaves you alone in this life's journey. When you hope, you struggle and sometimes you do fail but that's not the end. It is well known saying by Bernard Shaw, “He who has never hoped can never despair”. So, it is a part of beautiful life that God has given us where things sometimes go out of our control but still its hope that keeps us moving with a belief that we are capable of making it better again.
It's a well known proverb, "Hope sustains life" and it not only gives us strength to overpower the infliction but it also makes the journey for the future simpler. Hope is the essence of life as it keeps the aura of positivity around us and protects us from the negativity. It helps us to ignore the worries of the present and stay mentally strong. I believe hope is like a flickering candle which stands by your side when everything positive fades away. It is hope which keeps you alive amidst adversity. So, never lose the grip of hope because it gives our mind the power to stay strong and not lose courage in the times of despair.

 

Dr. Ranbir Kaur

8th April, 2022

 

 

Why Can't I Look Like Her?: A Despicable Truth of Beauty Filters

 

“Beauty lies in the eyes of beholder because the sense of beauty is itself transient in nature”- a well known proverb by the ancient Greek philosopher, Plato. How far this proverb justifies today’s mindset?

Beauty is something which is not fixed - what is beautiful for one can be the ugliest and atrocious thing for other. It can only be skin deep with no fixed pattern of characteristics. In today's world, people have set extremely negative stereotypes for both men and women when it comes to beauty standards. The glamour industry has tried to confine "beauty" into the box of definition and has created an artificial and most unattainable view of beauty. The 21st century has embraced the most unrealistic perception of "Beauty"- something with fixed features which are blemish and wrinkle free skin, perfect symmetrical face, toned body etc. So, in order to be part of that nonexistent world we have unconsciously jumped into another domain (social media) which portrays an unrealistic portrayal of ourselves.

Social media is easily available to everyone and so we are free to construct an online persona which may or may not match who we are in real life. There are limitless options of filters and photo editing features which helps in crafting an image which is above and beyond who we actually are.

What we project our image online matters more than who we’re actually in real life.

We live in a time where we love to document our personal lives (better version) and the social media has played a vital role in helping its users achieve that in a most unrealistic manner. Social media platforms like Snapchat, instagram and tiktok have many perfection filters that can drastically alter your appearance and helps to create an imagined image of yourself. These apps have given an unasked gift to its users which they never knew they needed: selfie booster filter. This selfie culture is too addictive that on an average one person spends nearly 3 hours in a day in clicking a society approved selfie using a perfect filter which sadly doesn't even compliment their natural beauty.

Study has proved that around 90% of people edit their pictures by changing their skin tones, reshaping their jaw lines, altering their eye color etc before posting them on social media. These filters initially appeared as a gimmick where one could use facial recognition technology to place cat’s ears over a user's face. Nowadays, it is no longer used as a fun activity; rather it has added so much pressure on teenagers to look the way the filters make them look.

These platforms have started a wave which is globally affecting the psyches of the users. Youngsters are spending excessive time in creating their "filtered version looks" and then giving it a suitable caption to grab immediate validation and feedback in the form of likes and comments on social media. This can be so nerve-racking and exhausting. Even those who are not ardent users can still feel the ramification of these filters. The pressure of achieving the unrealistic beauty standards has made teenagers suffer from low self- esteem and complex problems like depression, eating and sleeping disorder and prompt suicidal thoughts among youngsters. Further, it has even lead to what cosmetic surgeons have termed as "Snapchat dysmorphia". As per Surgeons, it has become so worse that patients are looking to improve their body's anatomy or appearances as per the filtered versions. This includes implantation of foreign objects, cosmetic surgeries (eye widening, liposuction and rib removal), prosthetics, tattooing, body piercings and genital surgeries. Gone are the days when people wanted to look like celebrities, they now get the surgeries done just to look like their own altered self.

I personally feel that with advancing technological development, the newer apps are surfacing online which has an immediate effect on beauty. I have no objection if someone gets involved in these apps for fun sake because this can act as an eye- opener to the detrimental effects that living through filters can have. It is mindless to spend so much of your precious time in scrolling other's reels which have nothing real but are edited and filtered to grab number of followers. As we scroll in to isolation, we remove ourselves from in- person relationships and support. This addicted world aggravates in us the feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out on what others are experiencing) as we start comparing ourselves with the edited images of others.

The ultimate desire of any person is to have internal peace. Ironically, we believe the source of internal peace lies in the external world. In reality, true peace lies "within". In this “attention economy” we need to stop relying on strangers for validation because this social media misuses this human fixation on validation and ratchets it up to a new level. Your selfie is not less beautiful because you didn't apply any photo filters; rather it will be appreciated for its own individual uniqueness which God has bestowed upon you. We are on the journey of self- admiration and the first step towards achieving eternal happiness and peace is to know your self-worth and learn to accept and appreciate yourself for the way you are.

We should realize the true meaning of being “beautiful”. Being externally beautiful is great but it is not the correct parameter to judge beauty of a person. Beauty is something that lasts and not something which is perishable and short lived. Instead of celebrating the uniqueness with which every individual is born, we are masking them with a veil of standardized facial filters to meet the beauty standards of societal acceptance.

It is high time that we should learn how to consume social media in a healthier way and should acknowledge that we are beautiful in our own ways and we don’t need any filter to enhance our beauty.

Dr. Ranbir Kaur

29th March, 2022

Why spark fades away after Marriage ?

  

Apart from the dictionary meaning, what comes to your mind when I say marriage? Is it the state of being happy, sense of contentment, sense of fulfillment, or is it the other way round -feeling a sense of responsibility, sense of being caged or is it just an institution of blame- game?

According to Fawn Weaver, “Marriage is the virtuous exploration of love in its purest form and pleasure in its highest state”. Is it so? Let’s be realistic. The hope to have happy and fulfilling married life is the deepest desire. Countless married couples have complained that ‘love or spark fades away with time’. After a few exciting years of marriage, a wave of "dullness" or "boredom" can submerge the relationship and has even lead many couples to look for excitement elsewhere. Nearly 30-60% of couples in United States have experienced a shift in their affections to start an affair. What prompts the shift from their heart racing enthusiasm for another person to boredom and detachment?

One of the basic eroding elements in marriage is "blame- shifting" or blame game. This is something we have been doing since the Garden of Eden. Even Adam and Eve entered this endless loop where Adam blames Eve and she blames the serpent and this list goes on and on. Nobody stops this loop by saying the most powerful words, "yes I did wrong" or "yes I admit. I hurt you". Blaming the other partner for the act you did can serve no good purpose to your relationship. This not so funny game will slowly erode the integrity of the bond and will establish the irretrievable breakdown of marriage. This is basically a manipulative tactic done by abuser to victimize themselves by saying:

"I slapped you because you have brought me to that level".

"I cheat on you because you were always so busy in household chores".

"I have an affair because you have stopped giving me any attention".

This blame- shifting is an abusive act mainly done by people who are escapists and lack emotional maturity to own up to their wrong behavior. It is a coping mechanics for them as they unconsciously put blame on others without apprehending faulty logic. Ceaselessly being around someone who fears to take responsibility for their actions takes a toll on your emotional and psychological well-being. They start gas-lighting you for something you have not done just to save them from being humiliated. Thus, this addictive play leaves the other person in the zone of despair as he (or she) blames himself for the failure in relationship.

Secondly, I feel "taken for granted" is another important factor that leads to downfall in marriages. I believe its human nature to feel excited, wonderful, unique, passionate and special for things which he aspires to have but after acquiring them he loses his interest. This is even applicable when it comes to relationships. Nothing in this world can match to the feeling of being loved, valued, acknowledged and appreciated. In any new budding relationships or marriages there is abundance of praises, excitement and affection. We try to give our best without expecting much in return from other person. We go out of our ways to do things to make each other happy and to 'win' each other's approval and to get married. After few years of marriage or after the point your 'honeymoon period' is over, things start to deteriorate as we have no sense of being insecure or loosing each other and take marriage as a lifelong commitment. Further, overtime, the extra gestures to show affection, appreciation, and acknowledgment starts falling by the wayside.

It is not enough to rely on 'marriage licence' to hold relationships tight. It is a very fragile bond which needs to be nurtured and one needs to make life long endeavors to light the never ending spark of love in marriage. One needs to prioritize because neither people nor relationships can be 'put on hold'. When you take your spouse for granted, you are at continuous risk to lose the emotional connectivity and by the time you wish to devote your time, your spouse no longer needs that. So, to have a healthy marriage, never stop to act like a teenager. Constant expression of love and admiration acts like a mortar in building the foundation of marriage firm and lifelong.

Marriage has multiple facets and is nothing like what we call "happily ever after". It is no more the world of two people who are enjoying the bliss of being in a Utopian world. It doesn't rests on one partner's shoulders, rather there is need to maintain a balance in relationship when it comes to sharing responsibilities. Marriage should not comply with patriarchal norms. Time has surely changed and the clear demarcation of works based on "gender" is probably over. The distinction of work should be done on the basis of preferences and strengths of a person rather than on 'gender'. It's not important anymore who is doing what as far as mutual respect for each other is there. If the couple truly wants to spend time with one another, they must work out together to buy time for themselves. If any couple fails to maintain that balance their marriage will surely come to an unexpected end.

It is extremely common for the married couples to get irritated by each other's habit. For instance, you might not like the tea prepared by your wife. Or you might not like something your husband has done. If these habits irritate you, the first thing which you need to imbibe is not to complain and rather appreciate the efforts put in by the other half. However, unnecessary criticism will only rot your relationship. As I have mentioned before, the key to successful marriage is to distribute the responsibilities evenly based on the level of interests and preferences.

The key to happy marriage is to engage in the process of self evaluation. One should be willing to change one's perception over what is important and what aspects in marriage needs to be declined over time. Specific aspects in relationship which tend to be more positive in the beginning don't evoke the same kind of feeling once the relationship is old. So giving more value to each other's positives and ignoring the negatives (i.e. faults) is the key to sustain a happy and healthy marriage. You need to have an optimistic attitude towards family issues. For instance, today your wife talked rudely to you, so instead of taking that as misbehavior, try to think that she might had a bad day in office. Surely, this attitude will not have any global implication on your marriage. Lastly, learn to be empathetic, loving, understanding and loving towards your spouse and family and be a proactive individual who is accountable for his actions.

Dr. Ranbir Kaur

22nd March, 2022

 

HOW TO WRITE AN ESSAY

 

Writing involves multitude of forms like essays, articles, blogs etc. ‘Essay writing’ in particular is a loose term used for writing that stresses on author’s views on any topic, be it academic, editorial or even hilarious.

Essay can be construed as a ‘discussion’ like narrating a story to someone, giving your views on certain topic or just trying to convince someone with certain view of yours. Based on the topic of discussion, there are basic categories in essay writing like narrative essay (narrating a story), persuasive essay (persuade the reader), analytical essay and descriptive essay (describing a topic in detail).

Before writing an essay, if you are given the topic, you need to choose the type of essay which will provide a structure to your essay. If the topic is not given, then you need to choose a topic which interests you or you feel passionate about because it will help you to organise your thoughts in a more creative and constructive way. Once the topic is clear in your mind, try to do a detailed research on the concerned topic and put your ideas in one statement which will form a ‘thesis statement’ for your essay.

The second step involves giving a strong title to your essay which includes a ‘verb’. The title should never be obvious and should be ‘eye catching’ enough to grab the attention of the readers. Once the title is finalised, you need to start prep work for your ‘introduction’ because after title, this will surely provide a next big prospect to hook your readers. It should be both interesting and informative.

Next, based on the research work you have done, you need to outline your thoughts. Put all your ideas concerning the topic on a piece of paper and highlight the main arguments which will support your point of view in the essay. Now, start writing your first draft. Don’t panic, it’s your first draft not your final draft so feel free to give wings to your thoughts.

While framing your introduction, keep the following things in your mind:

1.     Use catchy vocabulary and try to make it precise and informative.

2.     Give little background information about your topic.

3.     Mention briefly the objective of your essay.

4.     Give an overview of the whole essay.

Once the introduction has been framed, it’s time to give structure to the main body of the essay. The body of essay illustrates your topic. Each idea that you have mentioned in the outline will form a separate paragraph of your essay. Each paragraph should be consistent with one another. Use transitions to introduce a new paragraphs like “firstly, secondly, lastly, finally, however, moreover, furthermore, in addition” etc. These transition words give a beautiful and impressive structure to your essay.

The main purpose of the body of essay is to provide support to the ‘thesis statement’ of your essay with the help of evidences, facts, figures, data, examples, quotes and other suitable evidences. In short, keep the following are the tips to write a body paragraph:

1.     Keep in mind the thesis statement.

2.     Give solid evidences to support your argument.

3.     Provide relevant examples and facts to make your point strong.

4.     Make sure paragraphs are consistent with one another.

5.     Use transition between the paragraphs.

6.     Conclude each paragraph.

Lastly, you need to ‘conclude’ your essay which is as important as the introduction of the essay. The conclusion sums up the overall thoughts and provides the readers a final perspective on the topic.  To make your conclusion effective try to give a futuristic overview and make such persuasive statements in the conclusion that they should agree with your point of view.

Keep the following tips in mind while framing your conclusion:

1.     Your arguments should be connected and don’t add any new ideas at this stage.

2.     Focus on outcomes.

3.     Put emphasis on the relevance of the thesis statement.

4.     Show the wider implication of the topic.

 

Lastly, critically review your essay as many times as you can. Edit, edit and edit your essay focusing mainly on the grammar, spelling mistakes, punctuation, format etc. If you are still worried, you can even take the help of essay writing and editing services to help you in writing and publishing your essays without much trouble.

 

Dr. Ranbir Kaur

15^th March, 2022